Fried's Tales of Oil and Whipped Cream.

The people I used to know like a well-read book

2012-01-29T17:59:00.001+08:00

I can't read anymore.

Tasks

2012-01-26T22:36:00.001+08:00

Can't wait for the weekend! Though once the fun is over the work begins. I have so much things to do they're piling up such that I don't even feel like doing them anymore. But Angs never give up.

Family in filters

2012-01-24T19:36:00.001+08:00

What's most important

2012-01-24T18:40:00.001+08:00

Is for the family and my friends to be happy. I really am happy when you guys are happy. That is if your happiness is not at my expense then I will be happy. Seriously guys. I love it when you're happy. Make me happy when you're happy.

Happy sounds queer now.

poser

2012-01-18T00:48:00.001+08:00

Life is good

2012-01-17T01:27:00.002+08:00

As far as school is concerned, I'm slacking until Chinese New Year is over and until the boys head off to Army. I will miss those boys and our weekend stayovers which constitute FIFA mahjong and sometimes hearty talks (you know, HTHTs).

Also I finally got a new phone. No more using the same phone since I was 13, which = almost 6 years now! So I lost a lot of my contax. When people message me I play along and ask "Hows school/life/work" when I have no idea who they are. But eventually I always, always find out.

I'm quite sleepy, but not sleeping because I'm running a computer scan. I am completely bored.

Excited for this week, somehow and despite 3 consecutive tests. Meeting em boys on Wednesday for a vegetarian dinner which makes me seriously think that sometimes I have the BEST FRIENDS AROUND!!! <3 sometimes.

K so, the sister commented that I havent been blogging much which I replied "Because no one reads it." and she said "I do!" which made me happy that someone still reads this.

This is a moment whereby I want to sing "SO RAISE YOUR INSULIN LEVELS BY EATING SOME STICKY SWEETS" to the tune of Raise Your Glass. Goodbye.

dont come back anytime

2012-01-16T23:58:00.000+08:00

On new year's eve

2012-01-05T00:16:00.002+08:00

On new year's eve I spent dinner with four friends. It was memorable in the wrong ways.
UChan stayed over and we watched soccer past the celebrations and baked till 4am in the morning. We slept, together with Cracker and Lucky on my single bed until about 12-ish, I think. We woke up and made risotto and then nua-ed on the couch watching TVB.

New year's day. Vet called to update Cracker's blood test results. Contrary to past results, his white blood cells have decreased dramatically, especially the neutrophils. Cracker is in an immunocompromised state and would probably have to be on antibiotics permanently. That's expected since his innate immunity is screwed. The only difference of this from AIDS is that the granulocytes are affected, not the lymphocytes. This also explains his phases of illness between recovery.

Opportunistic infections.

Cracker - A daily routine.

2011-12-31T01:32:00.003+08:00

You always know when things are ending. A friendship or a relationship or maybe when that last bite takes the life out of a cookie. Most of the time these endings don't end well (except for the cookie bit), or so my past experiences have taught me.

I feel that I'm going to lose my companion soon. I watch him lying on my bed, facing me, not sleeping but his eyes dull and staring at nothingness. Two days ago he was still running about, asking for turkey from my father; three days ago we were playing catching after I returned from grocery shopping with the family. It's been 12 years, and I shudder whenever I think of sleeping without his back curled up against my stomach, or that I sleep through afternoons without his warm smelly morning breath waking me up.

I don't know what he's looking at.

Today we brought Cracker to the vet, who said his abdominal distension is quite bad, that his arthritis is bad too. "No quality of life," she said, especially since it hurts when he stands, and hurts when he lies down too. He got blood withdrawn for a test, and we're still waiting.

I got him when I was six, at age whereby I knew nothing about healthcare of an animal but I knew all about loving one. He's got all the love I can ever give. It's amazing to imagine having walked, bathed, slept with, groomed and fed an animal for 12 whole years. But in giving love I had failed to read up on what my dog really needs. He's not sterilised, not vaccinated, his teeth not cleaned. Which is why those years of inadequate care are taking its toll on him now.

If I could turn back time I would get all those medical requirements met and checked. To prevent what is happening now. He is not lifeless, but he is like a trying motorcar low on gasoline; the fuel tank locked.

I've always thought about the day when he leaves. With death, as I've come to learnt, comes three types of emotions: grief, regret, and fear. I can deal with grief and regret, but it's the fear that I so often fail to overcome. The fear of my own sadness. Sadness overwhelms me and swallows me. With each death I've faced I feel a little bit of me chipping away, and I understand when I no longer feel comfortable in the shell that once lived a happy soul. Happiness thereafter became something that rode on momentum. It needs the initial push but it does not come comfortably, after awkward smiles and the forgetfulness of the mind.

I've met people who have learnt how to deal with the death of loved ones, especially as you're growing old. Sometimes I wonder if I'd like to be able to deal with death without feeling remorse over the lack of sadness. The passing requires an adequate amount of tears as a means of compensation.

Of course I've always known that the day would come.

For the past two days I've woken in the middle of the night to see Cracker's head off my arm, looking into the darkness of the room. I take him out and he walks around the house as if aimlessly. But I noticed, he visits the spots where Peipei used to lie. The black and white cupboards along the corridor, under the sofa, and sometimes he scratches the floor mat where Peipei used to lie and rests there, something he never quite did before.

He didn't have such a string of medical problems. When he was younger he was diagnosed with a blood disorder and arthritis (yes, already when he was young). My sister said, "He's a puppy mill dog." And I understand why. But after those initial medical appointments (during which my mother refused for him to be put on long term steroid medication) he was fine for the years thereafter. He lived for maybe a 8 or 9 years without ever having to visit the vet. This year, or this month of December, he's visited the vet for about 3 times already. Sometimes I wonder if it's purely old age and sickness, but sometimes I link it to the death of Peipei. Surely it can't be just a coincidence that such episodes are happening only after her death?

How should I say this. I guess I'm just preparing.

POTOBOM. (35 photos? Not really then.)

2011-12-26T00:26:00.003+08:00

This is Mother Ang's birthday about a month ago.

CCN Day at the vet tech booth, which sold Science Diet stuff + grooming products. Over at the animal facility some other coursemates were doing grooming.

Laughing about. We were trying to do the different faces of the guys. CY's just so weird.

Andrian's big mouth face.

Colonel's serious gek-sai face.

CY's pouty pout.

And 1 weirdo.

Mummy's real celebration. She was sleeping but we had a candles to blow out.................

She eventually woke up to cut the cake because you can imagine us literally laughing out loud in her face. Then of cuz there were some cats making out. When my ma woke up to sit on the black armchair, the animals gathered around her as if we were having some Noah's Ark thinking going on.

Tired faces after working at a car show, where Dora got picked up and leered at at her booth and while I stuck at mine giving out flyers and betting with my "boss" the number of lpool and arsenal fans and which club had more fans at the carshow. The boss was creepy though yuck.

E4 gathering at Joel's. Was watching the guys FIFA in the game room.

Basketball BBQ plus Mr Choo's farewell!

SCHOLARS LEADERS??!!

Ann's 19th. All our group shots were blur!

KC and I ;)

Also cleared my desk again and changed the layout a tiny bit.

BIG CAT.

Timetable, sucky timetable.

Bake-a-failure with Jessica. Burnt cheesecake above. Havent been making cheesecakes in like 2 years i think. Gonna make a no-bake next time.

Jessica's scones. Tasteless scones. Blue scones cause of the blueberry. But I ate them with Smucker's jam and it wasnt too bad.

Psycho face.

She can't do a psycho face though I told her to.

OH. must also mention we turned up in the same colour AGAIN. we were supposed to head to the AWRC to volunteer but Marinna said they didnt need volunteers so we baked instead. Remember the other time we met we wore ELECTRIC BLUE and... like... sheesh man. IT CAN'T JUST BE A COINCIDENCE.

A baby lizard Ginkgo and Cadbury tossed and mauled and chewed to death. Without a tail, and its arms flailing.

Updating the scrapbook. Usually what's inside are receipts and postits and polaroids so nothing much there!

Ghostcat.

OH we were also both wearing charity shirts. I was wearing Cat Welfare's and she was wearing ACRES'.

I12KATONG with Zinc and Dodo! The mall is quite exquisite. I mean, CARPET FLOORS!? Anyway the eateries there were too expensive so we ate at the hawker centre at Old Airport Road instead. Sataybeehoon yum!

Christmas shopping + Alvin and the Chipmunks 3 with KT! We always catch the chipmunk movies together. Thing about chipmunk songs is that they're so autotuned I can barely hear what they're singing!

On the same day, Christmas gathering at Yinghui's with the TP ballers!

Christmas eve with Jacob, Yicheng. Yiheng and Weibing came on a pretty last minute decision. We had dinner at the handburger. We caught 50/50 which I felt was quite nice but not really memorable. We had supper at lau pa sat. Prior to supper we were hungrily looking for a place to eat but Macs was crowded and everything else was too expensive. Then we shared a Botak Jones' chicken meal. Obviously being a vegetarian I just ate the potatoes on the side. and they were so yummy!

Christmas tea this evening with the extended family. This shot was taken post-soccer so we look pretty sweaty. Plus I was top scorer of the day. I'm fantastic like that. Playing with the kids is always fun so here's a boring video of us playing and acting like kids. The warning is that it is long and mundane to other people but so amusing to me (and my sister) when I watch it.

Festive love, but not only.

2011-12-26T00:05:00.003+08:00

Christmas was pretty great this year. Friends and family, people I love, so I guess I'm like super fortunate! Sheesh man. Been chalking up so much things I think I'm just gonna do a photobomb. Not as in like, photobomb a shot or shit like that. Literally bomb of photos. Coming your way oh yes it is.

Then again, it's not a lot of photos!

K so, I love my family and my good pals.

p.s about the vlog... thinking twice about that now! Probably never gonna do it again.

Ray Lamontagne - Shelter

2011-12-23T01:36:00.000+08:00

Why does Ray LaMontagne look like Jesus? Anyway, he's amazing. Ray, I mean.

SKYYYYYYYYYYYYYPE

2011-12-22T01:52:00.002+08:00

I LOVE TALKING TO BEKNAZAR ON SKYPE!
although half the time i don't know what he's saying!

50% of the time = CAN YOU HEAR ME!? CAN YOU HEAR ME!?

I tried making my first video today

2011-12-21T23:22:00.001+08:00

I WAS SO AWKWARD AND MY VOICE SOUNDED SO WEIRD AND MY NOSE WAS/IS SO HUGE AND KAHJUN'S RIGHT!

Cracker, in bits.

2011-12-21T00:04:00.001+08:00

Vlog

2011-12-20T23:45:00.002+08:00

I'll start a vlog soon cause I'm lazy to type nowadays. Typing is for serious stuff.

So excited so many things to tell y'all but till then.

Songs that make me wanna dance

2011-12-16T03:36:00.002+08:00

That I love

John Mayer - Everyday I Have the Blues (Where the Light Is)
Paolo Nutini - Coming Up Easy
Andrew Bird - A Nervous Tic Motion of the Head to the Left
She and Him - In the Sun
Belle and Sebastian - The Blues are Still Blue
Lykke Li - Rich Kids Blues
Lykke Li - Youth Knows No Pain
Garbage - Cherry Lips

But I can't dance.

National education

2011-12-14T02:14:00.003+08:00

Never really thought I'd want to do it, even if circumstances forced me to. But I'm really convinced that I'd migrate (is emigrate = migrate? I'm still not sure about that!) to somewhere foreign, South Africa or something. I think I'd love it there.

Five for...

2011-12-12T13:08:00.000+08:00

Today I spelt 'fighting' as 'fiting'. An honest mistake.

Songs with days

2011-12-09T23:54:00.003+08:00

That I love:

1. John Mayer - St. Patrick's Day
2. Maroon 5 - Sunday Morning
3. Rachael Yamagata - Sunday Afternoon
4. Andrew Bird - Opposite Day
5. Belle and Sebastian - Another Sunny Day
6. Ingrid Michaelson - Oh What a Day
7. NATW - The First Days of Spring
8. She & Him - I Thought I Saw Your Face Today

Life lessons from John Mayer

2011-12-08T23:08:00.003+08:00

If you want to be truly intimidating,

If you want to make an impact,

If you want to have strong connections with others

just be sincere.

Sarcasm is not an attitude, and it’s not a personality trait. It’s a style of rhetoric meant to be used occasionally to highlight a larger point. Saying you’re a sarcastic person is like saying your favorite cuisine is salt. Sarcasm is easy because you never have to take a stance. And that’s just the problem; It’s so noncommittal.

When you see someone you’d like to have a conversation with, here’s how you really make your impression felt. I promise you’ll be remembered for it: “hello.” I don’t know when the lines got crossed and it was deemed attractive to be ambiguous and critical. Girls don’t like it when guys do it and guys don’t like it when girls do it. I live in a city of cool people with the absolute worst PR representatives: themselves.

Be yourself, even if that means being unsure or uneasy. Let someone else put you at ease. Meet them in the middle. Be sincere.

Reminds me of my own beliefs. I dont change myself to fit into the party. I be myself - awkward and silent among people I feel unfamiliar with. I don't giggle and make jokes with them. I don't compliment them unless I think it's worth it. Sometimes people misunderstand me. Which is why if you're my Friend then you're such a damn lucky person. And a pretty smart person too.

And which is why I've got his words engraved on my back.

Calico

2011-12-06T01:28:00.003+08:00

I feel so sad whenever I think about Cali the Pregnant Stray. I managed to scruff her yesterday and as I was putting her into the carrier, I think I loosened my grip on her neck and she took off. My mother didn't see her tonight. I wonder where she is. But I tell my sisters that I hate her and I don't want to see her anymore.

Real time.

2011-12-06T01:13:00.002+08:00

It was a pretty good day at school today, though it left me sleeping on the bus with a headache which I'm still having now. Perhaps I would say that it was more of an odd day today. I was overwhelmed with feelings of anger and happiness all at the same time. I think it was the way we dealt with the circumstances. We made jokes about it. Whatever anger left from our boiling jokes dissipated into the air soon enough, just as well.

I'm sitting in the dining room now. The silent heart of the home. Listening to Paul Tiernan intercalated with the loud angry voice of my father ranting about the day's work. Watching the cats, some sprawled on the floor, some exploring the dark kitchen in search of some roaches. Suddenly two of them burst into a sprint and they're chasing each other now, knocking chairs out of their places and skidding on the floor rags. I'm thinking about how I should start on my revision soon, but I can't push myself to. It's a dangerous position to be in, what with the semestral tests next week and I've barely got 10% of the content into my head. I'm trying not to worry about that.

"The sun doesn't like you, you always get burned," sings Norah Jones.

Oh to be jolly.

2011-12-05T23:26:00.000+08:00

I can almost confirm that for the past week I was PMS-ing.

What scares you

2011-12-04T16:16:00.001+08:00

The music of violins haunts.

Songs with whistles

2011-12-04T16:13:00.001+08:00

That I love:

1. John Mayer - Stop This Train (Where the Light Is)
2. Noah and the Whale - 5 Years' Time
3. Paolo Nutini - Daydream (Live sessions)
4. Andrew Bird - Cataracts

Of baking

2011-12-02T00:28:00.001+08:00

My god, how changed a person am I.

2011-12-01T00:59:00.002+08:00

I've really really changed. It's so amusing.
I could never have seen the change coming in this way.
Quieter, stranger, awkward, lonelier.

I think I like me better now.

It takes a worried girl to write a worried post.

2011-12-01T00:49:00.003+08:00

I should stop dreaming about running away to a place like South Africa just to live with elephants.

Recently I think I've been plagued with panic attacks. High on the list would be the fear of coming home to find my dog dead, or that my mom would call me on my old cell and say, "Cracker's dead." and i'd imagine myself crying and flagging a cab to rush home. Each time I think about it I feel like crying and I feel like dying. I don't think I'll ever be ready.

Panic attacks also come in the form of worry - am I able to handle the term tests, will I pass. Content heavy subjects like animal diseases certainly make matters worse.

Panic attacks about my future. It does make me panic. I don't know what I want to do in life anymore. The other day the vet of the clinic I worked at told me honestly that vets in Singapore rarely earn back what they spent on their education. I was also told that what we study, sometimes, have no relation to what we do in practice. In terms of veterinary studies, so often does experience come first.

Panic attacks about living. I keep thinking I'll get knocked down by a car or get stabbed in the back (literally) one day. Then it's so weird that whenever some old uncle walks behind me when I'm alone I do secretly hope that he stabs me.

I was thinking about how nice afterlife would be. To be a ghost can't be too bad. I can float around and visit people and make them think they're dreaming. I could visit loves lost and good friends and make a joke out of climbing into their windows without them knowing I was dead. Of course I would do it before my body was discovered.

WHO SAYS I CANT GET STONED

2011-12-01T00:42:00.001+08:00

I'm gonna steer clear
I burn up in your atmosphere

In all honesty

2011-11-30T01:33:00.002+08:00

There are things that I wish I could have done differently in my past 18 years of life. I don't believe it when people say that the things that have happened made them who they are and they're happy with it. Ok well things have made me who I am but then I'm a shitty fucked up person. In all honesty.

I was reading an article in Cosmo the other day about oxytocin. I know oxytocin makes people fall in love, that it has something to do with milk and mammary glands, but I didn't know that it also causes longing, thus explaining rash decisions slash at the moment decisions of rekindling stuff, old flames, melted ice. Couldn't imagine how sad I was when I read that, for it's confirmed my hypothesis that the human body is merely controlled by the brain and its signals to produce certain hormones that influence feelings, action, etc.

How can such complexities be explained only through hormonal mechanisms? Surely there's something else. Until that is proven, I'll keep on holding my feelings in. For all that I already know feelings certainly don't help matters. They make things worse.

Straight-faced.

Ultimately

2011-11-30T01:23:00.001+08:00

Did it hurt me? Yes it did.

Things I love

2011-11-28T22:40:00.002+08:00

Bubble Tea
French hairclips
Old wooden benches
Vinyls on gramos
Boy

Coping.

2011-11-21T14:54:00.001+08:00

It's not good enough to cope.

2011-11-21T14:53:00.000+08:00

If you say goodbye today, I'd ask you to be true.

Close your eyes.

2011-11-13T00:55:00.002+08:00

Today after a buffet dinner with the family I stood in the middle of Changi Airport Terminal 3, outside the Kopitiam, and puked a mass of matcha green stuff. I heard people go "Eew" as they walked past.

Fucking embarrassing. But felt so so good.

The Killers-Everything will be alright

2011-11-02T00:40:00.000+08:00

Listening to this song on repeat. Gives me solace.

Damien Rice - 9 Crimes - Official Video

2011-11-01T23:41:00.000+08:00

I have to admit, this video made me laugh inside for quite a bit.

Sudden Death.

2011-11-01T14:27:00.006+08:00

This morning I woke with an overpowering desire to not get out of bed. Cracker was asleep with his head on my calves and I couldn't really move. Took a look at my phone, 10am and a ton of messages to be read and replied. "School's not cancelled, lesson's on today." "Want to do the project today?" "Yoguru replied me!" but I felt so tired to click away on my phone to reply those messages. Saw a long message from an old friend, UChan, and it really touched me. So I saved it in my phone and I will type it here now

"Dear Claudia, I just saw your post in FB. I'm so sorry for your loss. 请节哀顺便。I believe god will bless Peipei in heaven for she has been such a wonderful companion. I really hope I can do something for you, like coming over right now to give you a hug. I'm not sure if you want some quiet time on your own at this moment, but if you want to talk about it to someone, I'm here for you. I'm studying in Serangoon during this period of time so if you want we can meet up for a meal together or something... It's ok if you're busy or yeah, I just wanna make sure you're fine. I know it takes time to heal but at least knowing that you are on the path of recovery makes me less worried. I'm sorry if I sound weird or whatsoever. I wish you all the best, and please please take care. I love you very much! Xoxoxoxo."

Hey UChan, I've read your message and I'm really thankful for your concern.

Thing about me is, like most of my friends would know, is that I don't usually reply messages when something "bad" like this happens. I just don't know what to say. "Thanks"? "I'll be fine"? But that being said I do appreciate everyone who's come forward and given me an imaginary hug, like those messages represent, or so I think.

UChan's message brought me back to April 2009, when Peipei was diagnosed with pyometra, infection of the uterus and was very fatal since she was about 9 years old. She was extremely lethargic and in pain. She was bleeding from her mouth, and that was because she had bitten half her tongue off, in a bid to suppress the pain. To cut it short, the veterinarian said that we brought her into the hospital at the nick of time - she would have died any later.

They weren't too optimistic about the surgery either. She was 9 years old. Already a senior dog. And it was almost too sure that she wouldn't survive. I struggled to head to school that morning. "Take some tissue with you," my mother said, and she folded a few pieces and slipped them into my skirt pocket. I remember I was 13 back then. Secondary 1, and UChan was one of my best friends in school. She took me up to the 3rd or 4th floor of school and we sat at the empty space beside the hall's gallery.

I cried as I told her what had happened, taking out the pieces of tissue to dry my tears. I was so worried. UChan sat there and listened, and when I was done she told me that Peipei would be fine. She listened and she comforted.

I remember calling my mother during recess, using the canteen's payphone. "Peipei's still in surgery," she said. And I couldn't wait to go home just to hear the news.

Peipei's operation was a success, and it surprised the vet, who didn't expect her to survive. "She had a strong will to live," she said. And my mother added that Peipei probably wanted to see all of us again. She couldn't leave us like that.

That surgery cost a bomb. But it gave us another 6 years of Peipei's time. Yesterday morning, or the previous night, she had chosen to go without telling us, and probably did so as I was tucking Cracker and myself into bed, while my sister was watching soccer, while my mother cleared the dishes in the sink. I suppose she could leave seeing us all okay, and didn't want to see us grieve. In the days leading to her death, I remember how she would stay in the room by herself, although she would usually follow me around the moment I woke up. Cracker and her would wait outside the toilet as I brushed my teeth and washed my face. But she didn't, for the past 3 days or so.

Cracker had to nudge her up with his nose. I stood at the bedroom door waiting to see if she would follow. I stood there long enough and she relented.

Sunday night, my sister said she had gone to have her dinner, as her daily routine allowed, together with Cracker and Junior. So you can imagine it really was a surprise, finding her dead under the sofa set the next morning.

I was preparing for school, and my mother knocked on my room door for the second time. The first time, she had asked me, "Where's Peipei?" And I said, "I don't know, she didn't sleep with us last night." The second time she knocked, I was annoyed. And then I opened the door and she said, "Peipei's dead." I really thought she was joking. But she continued, "She's all stiff already."

Before I left for school, my mother told me, "Take some tissue with you." In the afternoon, Peipei was cremated.

As I lay in bed this morning, I thought about Bunny, Popcorn, and Peipei. I watched Bunny and Popcorn die in my own arms, and that killed me. I didn't watch Peipei die, but was forced to come to terms with her death in a matter of seconds. I was more shocked than aggrieved. But now I know the grief sets in slowly. I can't determine which way is the better way to see a loved one pass. To see them suffer in their dying moments, to have their lives slip away from your hands, or to wake up finding them dead? I got out of bed, conscious about my feet, careful not to let them step onto Peipei, but then I realised she wasn't going to be resting at the foot of my bed anymore.

The house seems quieter now.

French homework

2011-10-31T23:03:00.002+08:00

Salut Mademoiselle Florence!

Comment vous etes? Je m'appelle Claudia et je suis une etudiant à Temasek Polytechnic. J'ai dix-huit ans. Quel âge as vous? :)
J'aime les animaux et j'ai deux chiens et six chats. J'ai eu une chien femme mais elle est décédé aujourd'hui. Donc je ne suis pas ça va.
Ma famille aussi. Nous sommes dévastée.
Désolé, je ne sais pas quoi écrire, si je écrire sur ce qui s'est passé aujourd'hui.

Tu as des enfants? Garçon ou fille?

Merci beaucoup, Mademoiselle.
Claudia

Peipei's Death

2011-10-31T16:26:00.003+08:00

It was something I knew was coming, but yet it came unexpected. I didn't see her death anywhere near us. Not in the next 2 years, I didn't. I thought with all the deaths I've seen, all the losses I've felt, I'd be able to deal with another death better. What with Bunny, Popcorn, and Miumiu - they all left suddenly, be it sickness or accidents.

I realised today that the solution to dealing with death and loss is just to not think about it. I was quite ok in school today. Cracker was with me for laboratory and tutorial lessons. But when I reached home a certain emptiness just swept over me and I just started tearing as I was arranging my shoes on the shelf. As the years came Peipei lost her hearing and most of her sight, so she no longer came to greet us, but I would surprise her as she sat guarded in the corridor. She would bounce around us, like how she did as a puppy.

There I go again - thinking about the past.

This morning she was supposed to head to school with me, along with Cracker for a practical lesson. My mother called her and tried to wake her up as she slept under the sofa. But by then she was already stiff to the touch. I was and am still truly filled with regret because, if only I had gone to look for her the previous night. I remember wondering "Where's Peipei?" and wanted to brush her up for school tomorrow. But I didn't.

She didn't see us before she left. We don't even know the exact time she died.

She was a month after turning 15 when she died. I was 3 when we got her. We practically grew up together. It's hard to see her leave, it definitely is. But what comforts me is that - at least she passed away in her sleep, probably peacefully as I'd like to think. but the saliva on her fur was stained a little with blood, which makes me think that she might have had a fit before she died. Maybe a struggle to breathe.

Her death is a reminder. A rude alarm. That one day all these animals that surround us in the family will be gone. Cracker is 12 this year, and I worry. I don't know how I'll cope.

Rest in peace, Peipei. One day we'll all meet you in Heaven, if we belong there.

#hashtags: Arsenal

2011-10-30T01:10:00.004+08:00

AR53NAL
RVP MVP
Arsenal v Chelsea

Arsenal won Chelsea 5 - 3 today. That's a fucking awesome comeback. Can't say I didn't have a good feeling about this match though. Had a good feeling for the score since SixintheCity, no idea why.

Also, I'm quite very sick now! Flu always happens when school starts, why so? Anyway, took some medication so I'm getting a bit sleepy. Goodnight folks.

p.s Guess what. My viewership has dropped by 400 views per month! That's scary man.

Sleep Don't Weep

2011-10-30T01:10:00.001+08:00

To John Mayer

2011-10-27T00:13:00.001+08:00

Please get well soon.

Till then,
with lots of love and imaginary hugs
Claudia

Lost

2011-10-26T23:47:00.003+08:00

I lost the match to Jackass today. I'm pretty sad. That just means I'm getting lousier or that I wasn't good enough in the first place. But as usual I'll come up with reasons like

1. I was sick (the flu)
2. I was tired (cause of the flu)
3. I wasn't wearing my lucky shoes (relegated to the back of the basketball cupboard in school)
4. I was hungry (didn't eat)
5. My pants were worn back-side front. (it changed the fengshui)
6. I didn't warm up. (and Jackass did)
7. No more passion for basketball (it's true)
8. He's a guy (sorry I'm not some stupid feminist)

Thoughts and memories

2011-10-26T23:18:00.004+08:00

The other day I was reading an article in the newspapers about author and economist Levitt's (Freakonomics, Superfreakonomics) visit to Singapore for some writer's festival. He had given a lecture to some Economics undergraduates. I don't know what I really read (perhaps I glanced and skimmed) but all I remember is people leaving their seats to go nearer to the stage so that they could hear better, and that he said that it's "better to think than get all As". That statement was also the headline for that article.

And it's true. Every other day now I start to feel a little bit sadder for students in Singapore because of the jampacked semesters and constant flow of quizzes, tests, and exams. It's such that when you hit the books, you're in such a rush to study that there doesn't seem to be enough time to think. I used to think a lot, when I was in secondary school, which is why I didn't really do well for subjects such as Sciences and Math but I excelled in Literature and English. I thought about a lot of things. Why and how sentences formed, why some words had the capability of changing emotions, why whites hate blacks and why everyone hates asians. I thought about the whys and hows of everyday living, about love and friendships and hatred. Sometimes I thought so much in tormented me and I went into depression for most of the months being 15, 16. But those were the times I really committed myself to something I felt was worthwhile. Everytime I thought a new thought that I thought was good, I'd get a warm fuzzy feeling like I was so smart and I'd jot it down. I think that book is somewhere now. That book also contained some of my favourite lyrics or quotes of novels. That book was something of codes that I'd read over and over again to decipher.

I never realised nor will I know the exact time I stopped the habit of thinking. I think perhaps this is why I'm blogging less, or blogging less substantially, you might say. When did this laziness set in? Not too sure.

Do we think a lot when we're studying? Some of us do. But the race to get to the finish line always prevails, and memorising soon becomes the only solution. Anagrams, songs, stories. Whatever helps. Morphological differences and pros and cons all translated to anagrams that we cease to remember post-examination period.

It's not that the education system has to change, nothing like that. For while most of the rest of the world is enjoying life and talking about stories when they were 17 (when MTV plays the commercial for When I Was 17, I'll always sigh about nothingness of my 17 years), we're stuck here like ostriches inclined towards books instead of sand, garnering hope towards distinctions amid competitivity and losing the will to think for themselves. How far we've grown apart from our actual desires has evolutionized into a mutation that just gets stronger with each generation - to deal with the heavily bleached and starched shirted Singaporeans and their policies and regulations. Can't say I'm complaining. It never works.

punctuation

2011-10-26T01:52:00.003+08:00

hi all school has started can't really remember how it feels like studying and waiting for buses and waking up at 7ish in the morning and sleeping in the shower but i guess it's all welcome although no more wednesday morning swims and baking and lazing my time around with the playlist on god i'll miss those days also yqyx and i are looking for a job hopefully we can get one together i think it'd be pretty fun on another note realised i haven't been having easy nights due to sleeplessness but i suppose it's all the problems weighing in how come people can talk about money so freely when that's all i'm worrying about now whether i can feed myself or if i have to depend on someone else i hope that never will happen tomorrow for deepavali jackass and i are going to have a 7 ball basketball match wish me luck it will be arsenal vs man u of cuz the former will win goodbye

peaceful

2011-10-23T00:35:00.001+08:00

(hard to) be peaceful when u're pissed

The Tree of Life Movie Trailer Official (HD)

2011-10-20T17:06:00.000+08:00

Bombay Bicycle Club - Ivy & Gold

2011-10-20T14:46:00.000+08:00

This is the very first BBC song I heard and I still like it today.

single-handedly

2011-10-18T02:14:00.002+08:00

wanted to blog a good one but strudel the cat came trotting along and slumped himself down on my right hand. temporary immobile. wanna go to sleep but dont wanna wake him up. i think he is cold.

My Desk

2011-10-16T02:54:00.002+08:00

I realised how very much my desk has sort of become a focal point in my life. At my desk I made decisions that, I've come to know, have changed my life. At my desk I've written countless of letters on foolscap papers and little notes on post-it pads. At my desk I think about how I look and if it's good enough. At my desk I paint my lips and my nails as well. At my desk I've managed to sit for countless hours on end, listening to music with my feet extended and crossed on my bed. At my desk I've made gifts and wrote cards. At my desk I've cried and scribbled hate into a grid diary. At my desk I've thought about the future and about changing the past. At my desk I'd made one of the most horrible decisions of my life that I still regret to this day. At my desk I try to reenact what happened today, as if the scenes could blend into the past and I'd miraculously find myself holding that old phone with the message unsent. Today at my desk I convince myself, like how I always do when I think about it, that the decision couldn't have been more right for it has made me a better person. And at my desk I believe myself. At my desk.

I never really wrote about

2011-10-16T02:10:00.003+08:00

These things:

This photo is my sister's Avatar Sim.

Know that my going to USS does not mean that I support their import of the dolphins. Personally, I think USS is a great place. Great rides, great mascots, great service. Thing is, why the Marine Life Park? I'd say for sure that if the MLP is set up eventually, I won't ever visit RWS again.
For my outing to USS, I did feel that I got judged by some volunteers by ACRES and sure enough I was right. I just feel that my visit does not reflect on my beliefs. It did bother me at first, but after some time I felt that all I needed was my own judgment. It doesn't matter what others think as long as I know what I believe in fighting for.

I got street soccer boots that day.

We watched Crazy Stupid Love that day.

This is a fierce face I think.

We baked that day.

And did more in our album.

This is a good lecturer and a good tutor. This photo is for YYQX.

This photo is here because I like it.
Was taken on my birthday celebration at Vivo.

This photo is here because I have a V face. The camera is lying because I have a O face.

For the girls

2011-10-16T02:07:00.001+08:00

Girls, if you ever want to get a tattoo, get it at a body part that is not easily visible when you're fully clothed. That is a turn off. I learnt that today from #lessonswithann'sboys.

This is one half of Old Lady Counsel.

2011-10-16T02:00:00.004+08:00

Yes, This is the Longest Band Name You Will Ever Encounter in the Entire World in Your Entire Life (but we're not a band) is changing its name to Old Lady Counsel, with respect to the place we met aka our primary school CHIJ Our Lady of Good Counsel. This is because our old band name This is the Longest Band Name You Will Ever Encounter in the Entire World in Your Entire Life (but we're not a band) is too long and sometimes I can't even remember it. In addition, I get so lazy I just copy and paste it from the previous sentence instead of typing it out. OLGC used to be an acronym for Old Lady Go Crazy. I think the kids referred to our principle. She truly was like a crazy old lady.

We will start our channel soon. A date will be announced but will not be verified in the near time. Meanwhile, any ideas? Our influences are Folk, IndiePop, Electronica.

Old Friends

2011-10-16T01:21:00.002+08:00

The past one week of my holiday was probably the best time I've ever had in a long while. I met up with a couple of old friends I never knew I missed so much. I guess it doesn't matter how long you are away from each other for. Good friendships always stay. And I say that with conviction.

Just yesterday, or should I say Thursday, Chinhwee and I were counting our Real Friends and our Fun Friends. I can't remember who i separated into the Real and Fun. I think I've about 8 Real. And many Fun. It sounds superficial, this separation, though from each friendship you learn different things. You learn lessons about trust, love, beliefs... And I do appreciate every single person who has come into my life and those who have gone as well. I used to hold grudges against people, those who turned my life upside down. Eventually the grudges became questions I tasked myself to answer, why and how things turned out the way they did. And ultimately I looked at those people with a different perspective. Some people I did blame for the way my life turned out, and it's an irresponsible thought, really. My life really isn't something to blame for.

Saturday evening was spent with Ann's Boys. Haven't met them in ages, and I should say it's hard to, what with the A levels coming up and stuff. Couldn't believe it but things were still same old same old. Those were the exact same boys I met in Zhonghua, when we were 13. 5 years on and those boys are still the same, or so I think. Just a bit more testosterone-driven and a little more hair on their legs. With them I'm one of the boys. Sometimes I think I was just one chromosome short of having a dick.

Today is Jessica's birthday. Can't spend it with her, nor do I think I'm gonna meet her in the next month or so cause of the Big As. We'll have to wait for December. My best friend and my silent friend. Happy birthday! And I love you next to maybe nothing or probably something.

Stoned

2011-10-15T18:36:00.000+08:00

Happening things

2011-10-13T01:32:00.002+08:00

Just because I'm not blogging doesn't mean I'm not HAPPENING!

Started work @ a vet clinic. It's been pretty fun yet pretty mundane at well. Starting to rethink career choices.
Been hanging out with old friends. Had a very productive baking session with Chinhwee and Kahjun today.
Pull&Bear event tomorrow evening with Chin!
ACRES friends coming over next week for steamboat!
Significantly darker, what with swimming and Sentosa beach the other day. I came out of the shower that day with my towel on and my sister shrieked, "WHY ARE YOU SO BLACK!?!"
Went swimming today and it began to rain around 12ish. Everyone started swimming faster to get the most out of their exercise routine. I did too! Managed to swim 19 laps in 45 minutes. What a feat.
Still income-less. No returns on applications for tuition assignments, so I'm thinking of getting a part-time job at Veganburg. Then again it'll be really tiring when sem starts. Don't seem like I got a choice. Mother's said she'll give me some money to get by till I find a job.
I have no idea how to use my new curling iron effectively.
Saw Cali the Calico's kitten. It is black. I imagined she was raped by the neighbourhood's tyrant black cat, till today I saw them nuzzling each other briefly. Then I knew it was pretty much consensual.
Chinhwee said that Patrice Evra looks like a shaved Bruno Mars. Never noticed but actually she's quite right!

Time to sleep!

Gotta admit (money isn't everything NR)

2011-10-02T00:17:00.003+08:00

Something goes crazy in me when I become broke. In the next week (or actually, 2 days), I am officially going to become income-less since the kids have all ended their exams. But you know what happens when I'm broke? I spend. I SPEND AND SPEND AND SPEND AND SPEND. Ironically, when I earn, I keep saving until I don't spend more than 15 bucks a week (when it's a school week). Which gets me wondering now, how I did that. What's worse is that I'm actually going to start UNPAID VOLUNTEER WORK at a vet clinic soon! Ah! But then again it's all for the experience.

I'm not a rich person. In fact the family's always complaining about being broke and shit. In fact my mother does it everyday. Maybe that's why I suppress my inner shopaholic so much. I don't know if what she's doing is right though. I do like to be a listening ear, but every day is too much. It makes me guilty for buying that new 5 dollar shirt I saw. Makes me guilty when I pay for a 20 dollar haircut when I usually get 4.80 ones. Actually I don't get haircuts more than twice a year. Often I do it myself. It makes me guilty when I ask her for something, like a watch, or a pair of shoes (which are hard to find for my size 44 feet), or the last creme brulee for dessert. Don't know which part makes me guilty: the spending, or the fact that I'm not giving her any money from the 350 SGD that I earn now. In that 350 SGD, 102 goes to insurance, 50 goes to transport, and I think the remainder goes to the bank + food.

However when my sister and I got out for shopping the other day, I THINK I WENT MAD! Well it wasn't so bad at first. She bought me a pair of street soccer shoes that were about 60. She paid 40 and I paid 22. We had lunch at pizza hut and I paid 13.90. Then we went to ION Orchard and I bought 2 lip glosses at Sephora. which is SHIT because looking back now, I DON'T use lipglosses cause they make me feel sick and salivary! But now that I bought them (they were 2 for 30), I have to use them!

I spent 57 at Forever21 buying basics like a pair of jeans, a pair of shorts, and I think3 tops. The shorts (first pair of shorts I ever bought in like 5 years maybe cause I think shorts are for people with nice legs) were like 29 bucks -_-.

What else. Oh I bought some sennheiser headphones for 79.90 at nex. And I don't like them becaause they're the kinds with the neckband. I think it's too late to change it though.

Today I bought a fucking curling iron for 49 cause it was on sale. FUCK. On the bright side I can bring it along for sleepovers in the future.

FUCK! It's not that I'm not happy with my purchases. I love every single thing I bought (except the sennheisers) but I just feel so fucking guilty! I have this ingrained need to save and once my bank drops by a couple of hundreds I start going into panic mode. I need a job, but then I need to study too! 2.2 is going to be hard and that really scares me.

Anyway I have ranted. Gotta earn some bucks to cure the guilt, really. It's the only way.

p.s About a week ago I also spent about 117 on 7 skirts from Gmarket. FUCK!

I THINK IM ADDICTED

2011-10-02T00:14:00.001+08:00

TO SWIMMING AND SKIPPING. NEED U NOW!

AN UPDATE

2011-10-01T00:22:00.002+08:00

A FEW DAYS AGO I HAD A SLEEPOVER @ CHINHWEE'S TOGETHER WITH KAHJUN AND IT WAS PRETTY FUN. NOT AS GOOD AS THE OLD DAYS BUT YOU GOTTA THINK ABOUT HOW THE OLD DAYS WERE REALLY FANTASTIC AND NOTHING CAN REALLY BEAT THAT. I MEAN, SLEEPOVERS AROUND EXAM TIME!? AND WE CALLED IT A STUDY SLEEPOVER. DON'T REMEMBER MUCH ABOUT STUDYING THOUGH. HM ANYWAY WE WERE NUAING AROUND LIKE CATS, WHAT WE ALWAYS DO. WANTED TO BAKE BUT TOO LAZY TO GET INGREDIENTS. WATCHED SUBMARINE WHICH WAS FUCKING AWESOME. ALSO I FINALLY LEARNT HOW TO DRAW A NEAR-PERFECT LINE ON MY LID WITH MY NEW LIQUID EYELINER HAHA SHAKY HANDS NOMORE. ALSO KAHJUN SUCKS. HE ANNOYED ME A LOT. BUT AT THE END OF THE DAY ALL WAS FINE. WE LEFT TOGETHER AND I GOT ON THE BUS FIRST.

LYKKE LI LIVE

2011-09-25T15:43:00.005+08:00

Twas pretty good! I would have expected a little more though. It was only ~80 minutes and I paid SGD111 for a ticket! Meh. But anyway it's my VERY FIRST CONCERT and I'm happy. She's so beautiful and sings so good. And there was a point of time POWER by KANYE WEST started playing as she sang Youth Knows No Pain, so that got me pretty excited.

Wore a mustard top, Zhonghua green skirt, leggings, and a red checkered scarf. And blacks hoes.

Tickets! Plus GUESS WHO AT THE BACK.

It's Chinhwee my fucking crazy friend!!!

Her friend Junheng came along too. And he's a total replica of CHEONG KAHJUN! Somewhat. Even their voices sound the same and they do equally stupid things as well!

This is us in the Esplanade. When we went in, my camera suddenly went cranky and started taking pictures like that. Ah ghostly.

Hweet.

By the F1 track.

THEN it got ok again, after we exited the esplanade!

I remember Junheng complaining how unglam this was, and Chin started scolding him, said of course since he opened his mouth so big.
Ah couple.

Esplanade theatre. We were on the second level.

Stoked!

Tired feet waiting for Lykke Li's autograph session! We werent in queue though. More like loitering.

AND THEN SHE CAME! I got a nice shot of her eyes there

Her pretty face

Pretty face again

And again!

We left pretty satisfied.

And this is us in the toilet! After our PP break.
I have a lot of hair i realised.

Being fools.

And we slacked away at Macs.

Junheng took a lot of nice pictures and awesome videos during the concert too!
Gotta mention that certain members of the audience were really annoying. I totally hate it when people interrupt the performer(s) on stage and start screaming and hollering during the song or slightly before the song ends. It's annoying when you listen to stuff live (and interrupted) on Youtube, and it's even more annoying when you listen to it live and people are getting all excited and noisy screaming stuff like "I LOVE YOU" and "MARRY ME". Pssh.

Oh yeah during the concert some girl from the front row jumped on stage during Get Some and Lykke totally gave her the microphone and you could just tell she didn't know the lyrics! Which was hilarious. Nyahaha.

Also, Chin and I were talking about the possibility of John Mayer coming to Singapore. It would be strange but I don't think I'd like to see him live. I think it'd kill me. I'll be so sad because I don't have him that I'd start crying. But that aside I would see him live because he's just such a great singer and a great person. This doesn't make any sense! Love hurts (emo.)

K anyway IN CONCLUSION Lykke Li was FAWESOME. !

Set the tigers free

2011-09-24T00:31:00.000+08:00

Who was it I had this joke with?

2011-09-21T16:56:00.001+08:00

That girls who wear denim short with super frayed ends look like their pubes are sticking out.

Peter Adams.

2011-09-21T00:03:00.004+08:00

A certain fucker (Ysidora) likes to take fat shots of me :(

Zinc!

I dont have other shoes! *whines*

Dora's milk foam on her alisan tea which was salty which I liked.

U nehneh.

!

We caught Johnny English Reborn today. Never knew that this is actually a SEQUEL. So in this case I didn't watch the first one. Anyway, it was quite funny but it brinked/brunk (?) on annoying.

FUCK YEAH LYKKE LI LIVE TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Don't stray.

2011-09-20T23:07:00.004+08:00

Sometimes, when I think about Popcorn, I still feel so much regret I think it eats a bit of me up. I try to imagine how he'd be like now. I always think about the night before his death, we were curled together and I didn't dare move, afraid to wake him up. I really miss him so. Sometimes I see some of our cats sitting in front of his picture at the altar, together with Bunny's picture. I like to think that they're praying for them, or speaking to them. I guess I'll never know animals.

Cali the pregnant stray has given birth. We have failed to trap her and she's developed a phobia of the carrier which we specially bought to trap her. Tonight we discovered where she's been hiding them kitties, though we're not sure if they're alive as we havent actually seen them (she comes out in the night to wait for us at the stairs, and after her meal she heads a few blocks off back to her babies). If I'm not wrong they're at most 3 days old now. I can't help but worry when it rains because it's been raining so heavily for the past few days. Stray mothers like to hide their kittens in drains. Keep worrying, keep worrying. But we found out that she's hidden them under a large cement brick that is out of bounds, which is pretty smart of her. I hope in a few days, or weeks, we will be able to trap the family and rehome them, hopefully together.

Last night, while we were feeding Cali, another grey cat appeared. He's probably the most prettiest stray I've ever seen. He looked quite well fed too and had Cadbury's face. I had to run up five storeys to get more food for him. He allowed me to pet him. My mom said that he was probably abandoned, or maybe he ran out of his house and got lost. I like him so (then again, i like all cats) but I didn't see him today. Hope he's well.

Today I found another orange cat, or kitten, lurking around. My dad had seen it once at the bus stop and got quite excited. It's not even a year old, perhaps a few months. Makes me think about Poppy, except that he's striped, while Popcorn had mostly orange spots, a little stripes. When I went back down in the evening to look for it, it was gone. Anyway, I'm pretty sure I'll see it again.

Wayne Rooney Slips and Misses Penalty LOL - Manchester United - Chelsea...

2011-09-19T00:54:00.000+08:00

The only time, I think, I'll ever like Wayne Rooney!

REVAMPED my table.

2011-09-17T01:16:00.003+08:00

Unfortunately I don't have a BEFORE picture. But here it is now!

The definition of apoptosis (the "dropping off" of petals or leaves from plants or trees), apart from its scientific term, is something I hold quite close to me.

Schnauzer figurine and a schnauzer toy!

The redhouse Keying bought for me from HK (I think) a few years back. Stuck some wires into it and made it a pencil holder! Also made the polaroid of my friends and I hang out from the chimney. Kahjun, Chinhwee, me, UChan, Shannen and Kimjoo at the Thomson flea market about two years back.

Badges and pins.

An unsharpened pencil and a few empty ink refills.

Vintage mahjong cards. Initially got them from a vintage store for my mom so she could play at home. But she checked them and said that one's missing. Anyway I like them.

Seashell. In fact, our oral conversation topic was "Hobbies" in PSLE and I just crapped and said I liked collecting seashells, which I did when I was 8, but it really wasn't a hobby then cause I grew out of it at 12.

Cartoon sticker tapes given from Szeneng!

I like it quite a bit more now. And I'm sitting at my desk more often now :)

Also found some time to tidy up my wardrobe in the evening.

Cats Lucky and Cadbury staring at each other. The thing is, Cadbury likes to look at Lucky from a distance away, somewhat fondly. However, when near, they like to whack each other. Once, Cadbury even bit Lucky hard on the butt!

Cadbury then ran out before a fight could ensue.

Rolled up them tanks and camis and stuffed them into the underwear drawer.

My side of the room is now pretty neat! Sister needs to clean up her desk too!

Actually, would give my entire room a change if I could, but all of our furniture are built-in so we can't do much )=

Feeling sick

2011-09-16T16:45:00.000+08:00

Would love to vomit.

No, I didn't get an A for Molecular Genetics.

2011-09-16T12:08:00.001+08:00

I got a B+ :(

Playing with fire

2011-09-15T00:33:00.000+08:00

I might not get there.
This little town, this little house,
They seem to be leaning in the wrong direction
I'm not afraid of you no more.

Playing with fire
You know you're gonna hurt somebody tonight
And you're out on a wire
You know we're playing with fire

By Brandon Flowers

A day of failures.

2011-09-15T00:15:00.002+08:00

This is not a cheesecake.

Failed chocolate latkes.

Jessica's oatmeal "cake" cookies.

"Why did you choose such a cheena album cover!"

Showing off.

bigmouth vs ms. pouty.

A fucked up Sim.

2011-09-15T00:14:00.001+08:00

Not really. Just something wrong with my computer.
BUT it scares me.

Tutee (12)

2011-09-15T00:00:00.002+08:00

"Ok. Name the reproductive organs of the cells below," I read the question aloud. "Where does sperm come from?"

"Boys," she said in all seriousness.

By then, I know not what caught me, but I just kept laughing. Then I hollered, "ORGAN!"

I love pandas. They're like battery-operated plushies.

2011-09-13T01:45:00.001+08:00

If I were to ever marry a panda we would mate and create a new species called Panman.

THE PAN MAN.

Just a thought

2011-09-12T22:59:00.003+08:00

Wonder how all my old friends are doing... Are you people sitting on the shelves and collecting dust already!?!

xx

Fucking ridiculous (sings)

2011-09-11T23:48:00.003+08:00

Realised I don't want to find a job anymore.

Anyway, fuck, this sounds ridiculous, but last night I dreamt of RESULTS DAY! I dreamt that I got 4 Ds and 1 A for MOLECULAR GENETICS (because I have an internet affair with the teacher NO! IM KIDDING!). It's so geeky right.

And also this morning I went to teach/tutor my secondary 2 student and. I realised how much she makes me nervous with her stares. Sometimes I stutter when I'm teaching fractions which makes me feel stupid. But she makes me nervous )=

also i did aerobics VIA YOUTUBE today and I'm hurting everywhere now. UNFIT. And very tired.

Fried's Vacation MUST DO-S

2011-09-10T01:53:00.004+08:00

Get a haircut.
Find a job.
Trap Cali the pregnant stray (Miumiu's partner; Miumiu aka cat who got run over by car) and home/rehome her.
Bake a perfect cheesecake (sounds like something my sim would want to do)
LYKKE LI CONCERT FYEAH.
Wardrobe overhaul (i realised my clothes are boring)
Thus I need to head to fleas (reminder to buy only interesting clothes!)
Skip with the skipping rope I stole from secondary school. (i took it without permission but people they know i got it)

Will think of more.

Vacation blues.

2011-09-10T01:45:00.002+08:00

Ok. Spent the day looking for a job and calling people who ask for resumes, which i seriously am too lazy to write. Gotta wait till I am actually in the mood to write a frickin resume. K anyway. Felt that going abroad to volunteer would be a good idea, so I started researching. And then I realised that I've still got tutoring commitments and that most of them require some sort of donation amouting to bout half a thousand pounds, which is obviously money I don't have!? Hm so forgot about doing so, but still dreaming about it.

Anyway. I let my sister play the sims 3 today using the laptop. She created some sort of blue woman, like an avatar, named Naima Avatar. Then she made a baby with a white man and the baby came out light blue! That's crazy man. And when it was my turn to play with my already-made family, the frickin couple had more babies so I had to play 8 characters, from the usual 3!!!! Which really pissed me off but I played until I got a headache and here I am blogging.

Really in a dilemma now. I have no idea how to spend the rest of my holidays. No mood to shop except to window shop ONLINE, no mood to play except for THE SIMS, no mood to write except for THE BLOG. Everything's so internet-oriented. Thinking about the adventures I could go on in Singapore but I can't think of any. Except for fishing in the longkang where my dad and I almost drowned once during a rainstorm.

Yesterday's happiness

2011-09-08T23:46:00.002+08:00

Is tomorrow's motivation.

Lights will guide you home and ignite your bones.

2011-09-08T23:35:00.000+08:00

Trying to take things lightly as they should be, but the mind can't help but wander to the instant when my smile turned to a frown and suddenly everything just felt so strange and unexpected. Trying not to think about how I might have lost something precious, and yet I give myself a pat on the back for finally finding vindication. Perhaps should stop expecting support. Nothing of mine is compared to what the world's going through today. Was reading the papers and saw an article about how a plane crashed into a river, killing 43 people including Russia's national ice hockey team. I swear I just sat there in shock for a few moments, especially for such an incident that was so avoidable. My thoughts are with you.

This afternoon as I was waiting for consultation at the polyclinic, I thought about how going away would be good. Leave everything behind and take a break in a place far away. I would like that, if circumstances deemed fit in the first place. Find new friends and forget about the people I've been shitty towards and who have been shitty to me. Take everything I've learnt and turn them into something new. I could go on building fantasies like that, and in that few minutes life would probably get a little bit better.

Just realised what I need now is company. No, not someone to talk to. Just someone to sit beside me to be there. Used to be able to choose. But now everything seems a little bit lonelier.

It wasn't and is not a time to shut up.

2011-09-08T02:17:00.002+08:00

Somehow, when I study antagonistic reactions of hormones, I think about how one hormone is evil and one hormone is good. The good one is whichever hormone I study about first, which in this case is often always glucagon, and the evil one is insulin. I mean, not exactly entirely evil, just a little bit annoying the way it counteracts the effects of glucagon by taking all of glucagon's friends away, such as cAMP and then Protein Kinase A.

Anyway. Am thinking about glucagon now. It's strange how, when it binds to a receptor, it causes a cascade of reactions that we don't even feel. Which points to how many invisible reactions that occur without our knowing. The tears that accumulate but don't fall; the heart that shudders a little in attempt to break; and the mind that threatens to erupt into globules of thought admist the shame and pacey heels of embarrassment.

Sometimes we don't see these things happening. But we would if we actually took time to notice, or at least I think so. I get away with a lot of these invisible reactions, or so you would like to call them something else. I think to a certain extent, everyone's capable of doing so, which is a lucky, lucky thing since you don't people all over you in an instant, if they really even cared.

I never wanted to read the things that I read, maybe because I wanted a little more support from you. Sometimes I put these ideas across that seem ludicrous and when it actually happens, it surprises people, and their surprise actually surprises me because I'm here thinking like, I thought I told you so. And I don't need a lecture or some sort that I shouldn't be the old wank (whatever that means) that I am and leave other people alone.

I dunno. Sometimes I think people don't really understand how hard it was for me the past few years. Ok. That's fine with me. But don't come raining down on me when I actually do something. You would know the something came along with much thought.

Guilt

2011-09-07T00:19:00.003+08:00

My hairy sister just screamed at me for eating her durian mooncake (because I thought there were 2 and she ate one but turns out there was only one and i ate the only one) and my father scolded her for screaming at me and I'm quite sad now. I should buy her another mooncake tomorrow. Why did I eat the mooncake? I was hungry and I had it for tea.

About mooncakes. I still like the old, traditional salted yolk ones. I'm not a fan of the snowskin types, though they are nice, they don't really taste like how a mooncake should taste like. Aren't mooncakes supposed to be a little moonish, be it in the shape or the yolk in the middle. However today I ate a snowskin mooncake that had white chocolate truffle and champagne in the middle. The white chocolate was shaped like a ball and when you bit into it thick champagne cream would spill out. I didn't like it at all. It made me dizzy.

Resurface

2011-09-06T00:10:00.003+08:00

This is the hamster we found one day in its cage a top a mailbox. You know, the kind you find under void decks. Dangerous position, ain't it. Some cat might just appear and hit the cage off. If the rubble doesn't kill it, the cat will. Or wind. Wind might kill it. Perhaps even loneliness.

A few days later my mother asked me, "So what have you named it?"

I said, "Dunno."

"Dono? Hello donooooooo!" crooned my mother. "Donoooooooo! Little Donoooo!"

And so we called him that for the remaining time he spent with us, before being adopted by my friend Zazz :)

Zazz! This photo isn't unrotated. She was lying down!

This is Andrian. His gang and I went to Tampines Mall for lunch and a movie. We watched Zookeeper which was quite funny and I laughed quite a bit, which is weird because I expected it to be a stupid movie as all my friends advised against watching it. Hm.

At Pastamania waiting for food. Pastamania kinda sucks now.

This is my sister who is acting affectionate to Junior, who looks creeped out.

You creep!

This is Hitler my hamster.

He is very cute. During the weekend leading to my exams, I let them out and allowed them to run around my room. They crawled around, exploring the tiny tunnels and narrow valleys. Both of them, Hitler and Houdini, looked pretty excited. However Hitler never came out to return back to his cage, and somehow he disappeared.

My mother discovered another secret passage leading to the back of my bed. My bed's built in, so we couldn't shift it. Anyway, I tugged it out a little (yes! the entire bed! I'm strong like that) and found Hitler sleeping in that little dusty alley. We waited and we waited, from 5pm till around 2-ish am. Sticks and bamboo poles couldn't get him out because they couldn't fit into the gap. So I used one of the dogs' leashes and decided to swing it against him to force him out. However he didn't get out! Instead he attacked the leash!!! Which is what, I suppose, Human Hitler would do.

So I attached a tiny cardboard to the leash and used it as a barrier to force him out. He was forced out of that tiny alley, but there was a looooooooooong tunnel leading to where I could catch him. So I lured him out with a sunflower seed, with thread threaded through it attached to a stick. He was lured. And caught. And homed.

This is Cadbury waiting with me for Hitler to get out around 8-ish. We camped with some notes and a breakfast table.

ACRES Volunteers after the Save the Dolphins concert. I went there as a supporter but ended up as a volunteer too, at the merchandise bar with Chidat.

We had dinner at Real Food @ The Central. Vegetarian stuff!
From left: A guy whose name I forgot, Sylvia, and Dawn.

This is Thomas, the youngest at 15.

Thomas being angry.

Anyway I love these people buckets.

This is my sister waxing her legs.

And this is what came out.

WAXING WITH A VENGEANCE!

Hahaha makes me laugh. Anyway, today, I went swimming with my hairy sister Maxine. We swam 15 laps which wasn't too bad for 1 hour. I think. I feel great now! Maybe hitting gym tomorrow if I feel like it.

Distant

2011-09-05T12:37:00.002+08:00

You don't even need to do the shit you do, or say the shit that you always say. Maybe people would like a little more genuinity. Yes. You're a lovely person, under strange circumstances.But you remind me of the influenza that changes its strain ever now and then. How would I know what to expect?

Today I asked my sister Araxes

2011-09-05T02:18:00.004+08:00

1. If she knew where my phone was. She knew but she didn't want to tell me and I started crying.
WHADDAFUCK. Maybe because I really wanted to find my phone, charge it, and head to sleep. After I found it I went to sleep around 2-ish and woke up around 8pm.

2. To predict my GPA. She said, 3. and I said I gave her 3 choices. So she said, "3, 2, and 1.5."

3. To put Hitler back into his hamster's cage after she was done playing with it. She put him ON his cage with the top lid open, looking to see if he could crawl back in himself. Hitler tried to do some monkey bars.

Life is good and the girls are gorgeous

2011-08-25T16:30:00.004+08:00

Last night I dreamt that all the tuning knobs of my guitar fell out and I started to panic. In reality one knob has already fallen off which means that the guitar, or one string of it, is permanently un-tuned now. Anyway it's a really old guitar which I got when I was 11 and even then my father bought it for me second hand. I shall save up and get a new guitar, but probably when I head overseas like in UK or South Africa so it can be my study buddy/ friend. I have no friends.

Come to think of it, I might even pick up the banjo or something. I know the pink furry monster in The Powerpuff Girls series plays the banjo.

Mm. The exams start tomorrow, and, haven't really prepared much for it sadly. But somehow I'm not really nervous as I was the previous semester.

Also, ARSENAL IS IN THE CHAMPIONS LEAGUE! Awesome performance against Udinese last night. Szczesny's man of the match for me. I mean, it's a really great win you know, especially since the odds were against them. #gooner4life.

Anyway, things have been dying a lot. The stray cat we had been feeding at our void deck got run over by a car a few mornings ago. His intestines were out and crows were pecking at it. I got really troubled but I had no one to talk to, friends I tried to speak to but no friends I knew could empathise, other than my mother and my sister. The night before he died, I was still carrying him in my arms and we called him fondly the youtiao cat because his tail had two knobs at the tip like a dough fritter. Then, everytime we left and headed up the stairs back home, he would sit either at the foot of the stairs or beside it to watch us. We never knew that was the last time we'd see him.

Guitar woes, school woes, animal woes. My heart is a knot.

S. Carey - Move - All We Grow

2011-08-19T01:00:00.000+08:00

Can't stop listening.

This is Canine Distemper.

2011-08-16T23:31:00.000+08:00

Please vaccinate your dogs.

Leader

2011-08-16T23:09:00.000+08:00

"When I was 18 I didn’t have a clue! Every day I was always surprised by something, when I went to training or when I had a game, every day was just one big surprise for me. How people reacted after the game – the fans, players, media – it was all a surprise to me, I was just thinking about playing football.

"But now I know how things work and I understand that certain actions have consequences. I know that quite well, I feel experienced, so I feel ready for this. I know that every single player represents their club anyway, everywhere you are, 24/7. I’ve been dealing with it for a few years now, so I know what my part is.

"You should always try to show respect, and this is just basic stuff that all human beings should have in their life – just being nice to people. It’s the little things, like giving people a minute of your time in the street, you show them respect, and live with your principles on life."

Robin van Persie, on Arsenal.com

Not going to make a big deal out of it.

2011-08-15T22:33:00.002+08:00

It felt like burning my tongue.
Or getting slapped across the face.
It didn't really hurt so much until moments later when the shock subsided.
But you know after such physical trauma things get better! Like how the brain installs some more cells into the epithelium, makes you a little tougher, stronger.
Sort of a preparation for the things you deserve.

The (real) team talk.

2011-08-15T14:03:00.001+08:00

This is a girl who likes boys.

You have (also) become (one of my) my favourite friends!

2011-08-15T14:02:00.000+08:00

YOU FREAK!!!

Cracker's birthday.

2011-08-15T13:55:00.003+08:00

I have a short video of Cracker's birthday. Peipei wasn't there to celebrate because she was sleeping under the couch and no matter how loud we called her she wouldn't wake up. Present were Cracker, Junior, Cadbury, Mother, Sisters, and I.

This is Junior waiting excitedly.

Cracker, docile.

My face is really round =(

Yes, thank you baby.

Happily eating cake.

Boss! On a big boss chair.

The princess in the house, nearly totally deaf. But came out for cake. Turning 15 in September. That will be the next birthday in the household.

I burnt my tongue on some laksa.

2011-08-15T13:52:00.001+08:00

What happened was

We were at Ya Kun toastwich and I was having my kaya toast with butter set, which comes with two half-boiled eggs and a cuppa tea. My mom was having the laksa. So I asked, Is it nice? And she gave me a dollop of white noodles to try. I blew it a little a tested it with my lip. It was ok. So I shoved it into my mouth. Next thing I knew was that my tongue was sizzling and my eyes started tearing up. I wanted to spit it out but there was no place to spit it out on! Or rather, no plate to spit it out on. I also didn't want to ruin my eggs in the saucer so I kept it in my mouth, waiting for it to cool. Now my tongue is like sandpaper with the tastebuds seemlingly 3/4 off the flesh.

That's how it happened.

Arcade Fire - Wake Up (Unstaged)

2011-08-13T01:29:00.000+08:00

I like this song. But Nutini's cover makes me go all soft inside, and it makes me want to cry for no reason.

Macy Gray - I Try

2011-08-12T01:34:00.001+08:00

I remember listening to this when I was younger. It seemed to always be on MTV in the 90s'. I also remember hating her voice, and my sisters and I would make fun of her voice by "singing along". Now I really like Macy Gray. I wonder how much of it is maturation, and how much of it was due to moving along with the crowd.

I also remember hating her big mouth. But it's lucky for her she's got a big mouth. It's such a mysterious thing how gene selection gives people big mouths.

Columbine Shooting: The Final Report 1/5

2011-08-11T00:16:00.000+08:00

Just spent the past hour plus watching and reading about Columbine High Massacre. I knew about it when I read Nineteen Minutes, I knew about it when I watched Dawn Anna. But I dont know why I just youtubed it and now I feel so sad.

Lykke Li

2011-08-09T17:56:00.002+08:00

Planning to go for Lykke Li's concert here in Singapore next month. I CAN'T WAIT ACTUALLY! But then again I don't know who to go with. I don't know anyone who likes Lykke Li as well, or maybe you do, but I just don't know.

SOMEONE PLEASE GO WITH ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hepatomegaly

2011-08-08T18:35:00.002+08:00

This is Cracker with a head and ear bandage which I learnt in school a few weeks ago. He was more than willing to let me wrap his head and looked pretty cute after that. Tomorrow is his birthday and it's bittersweet for me. Well, he's turning 12 and the end's probably near, yet he doesn't seem like it. Still looks like a puppy in every way, except for the cloudy eyes and the occasional warts here and there. His fur is turning to a dusty colour too. But the ears still flop, his docked tail still wags in the slightest motions, and his eyelashes are still growing. I suppose those are signs to be happy about.